Elusive Paradise
by TTY7
Summary: "Logically speaking, I'm certain that these so-called memories aren't real, that they hold absolutely no meaning. Even so, logic hardly matters in this. Deep inside I know if these events truly happened, then I used to be a wolf named Kiba. He was chosen to lead the wolves into paradise, but I stained the path with blood. For these sins, I'll find Hell before I find paradise."


A/N: For once, I'm not going to attempt explaining how or why this popped into my head. This time, I'll let the story speak for itself. The only thing I will say is that I just finished watching Wolf's Rain and this came out. I stopped working on this piece for a little while because I was working on other things and totally forgot I had this story just sitting in my computer waiting to be posted.

Warnings: I haven't watched Code Geass in a little while. (Which is odd for me, trust me.) Let know if anyone is a little OC. I don't think this will happen, but if it does, let me know. There are spoilers for pretty much all of Wolf's Rain and for most of Code Geass as well.

Disclaimer: I do not own Wolf's Rain or Code Geass.

_Zero_

_It is a number that symbolizes nothing,  
But to the dying Japanese people, it is everything._

_For enemies and allies alike,  
The number has become a new symbol,  
For Justice,  
For Freedom,  
But the name Zero also embodies what it means to be empty,  
It hides a tortured prince behind a mask._

_His goal is not justice,  
Nor freedom, but for a peaceful world..._

_A paradise._

_However, he is lost in his thirst for vengeance.  
He kills those who are most precious to him,  
He damages the humanity of his comrades,  
Endlessly seeking the man who caused his suffering,  
His anguish._

_Despite harboring guilt for his many sins,  
For painting the world in blood,  
He still moves ahead, still searching...  
For a future...  
For paradise..._

The sky is shrouded in a fog of black clouds, the ominous rumbling in the distance signifying the coming of a thunderstorm. For once the weather forecast made by the famous but incompetent David Straus, a distant relative to the Ashford family which protects me for now, had been correct. Despite knowing that Milly Ashford (this academy's student council president and thorn in my side) would go to the ends of the Earth to keep me and my blind and crippled younger sister Nunnally protected, the world we live in is ruled by people using others and people being used. The Ashfords have been out of the noble loop for a while now, but still not long enough. Milly's family members have not forgotten what it means to have power and prestige. With me and Nunnally, the supposed dead children of consort Marianne Lamperouge, once known to others as Marianne the Flash, the Ashfords still have a card to play and a way to bring themselves back into the fold.

All it takes is a simple phone call really, or a video chat, or whatever comes first.

The only thing that allows Nunnally and I to live in this fabricated peace is time. The principal of this school, Rueban Ashford, is simply waiting for the right time, waiting for me to finish my education here before making his miraculous discovery of the lost prince and princess.

I feared that Nunnally and I would end up pawns in my father's twisted chess game again. The mere thought of such a fate made my rage towards him all the hotter. I burn with hatred for him, for all of them.

Before C.C. came along, there was nothing I could do about it though. Until she arrived I was but a living carcass, only moving forward because of my sister and because I intended to one day obliterate Britannia.

Meeting C.C. was no coincidence. I understood this the moment she gave me my Geass, the absolute power to make anyone obey. The power has proved more than useful and has made executing my original plans easier, though I've had to make some changes along the way. Even with those changes, the symbol of Zero and the Black Knights has been created all the same.

However, the battle in the Narita mountains yesterday changed everything.

The white knightmare known as Lancelot-yet another thorn in my side-cornered me in the latter half of the battle, allowing for Cornelia to escape my grasp. The truth behind my mother's death slipped through my fingers once again. Rage swelled within me as I led the machine away from the Guren Mk II and the rest of my forces. Unfortunately, I'm not the best of pilots and even if I were, the Burai I was in wouldn't have been enough to take down the Lancelot.

His attacks forced me to eject, but the cockpit didn't go very far. Putting on Zero's mask, I had prepared myself for my inevitable capture.

My legs shook when I extracted myself from the cockpit. Despite the fear swelling inside me, I took casual steps forward and stood defiantly before the machine that had become my nightmare.

The machine pointed its V.A.R.I.S. gun straight toward me, the pilot ordering for me to surrender or face death. Inwardly I cursed myself for being careless, for allowing this outcome after taking squadrons of Cornelia's forces down.

That was when C.C. appeared before me, her demeanor reflecting agitation, even as she shouted out towards the Lancelot, "Stop now, don't even think about hurting him!"

My eyes widened as she walked toward the machine, her hand pressing against the metal leg.

The instinct to protect her rose in me despite knowing that she was immortal.

"What are you doing?" I asked, taking a step forward. "You're challenging a knightmare?"

Her answer was short, terse. "It's a problem if you die." Her hair began to sway even though there was no wind blowing through the area. "It'll be indirect contact, but it's worth a try."

With a groan I walked until I stood directly behind her, watching as her long green locks of hair continued to sway.

"Are you using Geass on him?"

"I'm just feeding him some shock images," she replied. "I can't tell what he's seeing though." Snapping her amber gaze toward me she added, "You have time to get away now."

"What about you?"

"I can't move yet," was her answer. Inwardly I cringed, something more than pride telling me that it wasn't right for her to be doing this, for her to be placing herself on the front lines. I know full well that she doesn't need anyone's protection, especially not mine but...

"Don't be foolish," I exclaimed, irritated with the sudden need to protect her growing inside me. I held no power to protect her at all and yet...

"I can't keep owing you favors," I told her, reiterating my feelings out loud to convince myself that this was just a trivial, egotistical issue, not that I'm usually egotistical to begin with.

The instinct to touch her surfaces and before I can stop myself, my hand is grasping her shoulder in a means to pull her back from the Lancelot, away from danger despite knowing that she was still trying to distract the Lancelot's pilot.

C.C. abruptly inclined her gaze back at me, those amber eyes locking on mine as she screamed, "No! Not now!"

She may have said something more after that, but her silhouette faded away from me. Next thing I know, I'm standing behind an angry mob as they throw rocks toward a building with the symbol of Geass carved into it and then I couldn't see her anymore.

"_This is different_."

The vision flashed, showing me a nun with the Geass symbol glowing on her forehead. I got a brief look into her dark green eyes before the vision flashed again, taking me to the Kururugi Shrine. A vision of C.C. flashed before me next. She was bathing in a small lake, her eyes reflecting sadness as she stared down at her chest. I looked as well, for more than one reason I'm ashamed to admit, but mostly because I had noted the jagged red scar.

Outside the visions, C.C. was shouting at me to stop, to stay out of her mind as if it had been my intention to stumble into it in the first place.

As the visions continued to flash though, I noted Suzaku, why he was there I can't begin to guess, but it didn't really matter. He screamed like a maniac, ending all the visions entirely.

After a few seconds I came back to reality. The pilot was firing shots from the Lancelot's V.A.R.I.S. gun in all directions.

C.C. stretched her arms out, yelling at me to stop being an idiot and run just before a jagged piece of shrapnel pierced into her chest, immediately staining the front of her white straight jacket red.

As her eyes widened, reflecting her pain, I felt a sharp jolt through my heart.

"C.C.!"

"Hurry and get away!" she screamed, her arms still outstretched in an attempt to shield me as more pieces of rock and shrapnel flew about, stabbing her in various places. She stumbled backwards and I caught her, a rush of anger rising within me as I glanced up toward the Lancelot.

A gutteral growl like sound nearly escaped my throat, but I kept myself together. Wrapping one arm around C.C.'s torso and the other beneath her knees, I carried her away, hurrying to escape the flying pieces of shrapnel and rock.

Minutes later I found a cave and figured it'd be the best place to hide until I could call the Black Knights for help. While inside I tended to C.C.'s already healing wounds, removing the straight jacket from her body while trying to extract a particularly jagged piece of shrapnel from her chest. Glancing down, I noted the scar I saw in the vision. It hadn't been a figment of my imagination.

Frowning as I finally extracted the bloody shrapnel from her, I let out a dejected sigh. "_This girl heals at a rate that just isn't human._" Setting aside the shrapnel I removed a handkerchief from the inside breast pocket of my suit. Soaking it in the tiny stream that was nearby, I cleaned the blood from her wounds, which at this point were almost completely healed. After, I draped Zero's cape over her.

"_I'll collect some of the blood to study later_..." the thought trailed off when I stared down at the handkerchief still in my hand. My frown deepened as I brought the cloth a bit closer to my nose.

I'm not about to say I have a keen sense of smell or anything, but I know the metallic stench of blood all too well after witnessing my mother's murder and after killing my half-brother Clovis. However, C.C.'s blood didn't have that metallic stench. Instead...her blood smelled almost like some kind of flower.

Something flashed before my eyes then, something white, but it flashed by too quickly for me to properly identify what it was.

The sound of C.C. moaning snapped me out of those tangled thoughts. She had said something in her sleep, but I couldn't make out the words.

Setting down the handkerchief I leaned my head towards hers, waiting for her to speak again.

"What was that?" I whispered.

Her eyelids tightened in concentration. "Che..."

She was struggling to say a word, obviously having a nightmare, but when she spoke again...

"Cheza."

The word sent a shockwave through me as well as a torrent of images that flashed too fast for me to understand yet I understood. I knew what these images were.

These were flashes of memories.

From when is something I don't know and didn't attempt to contemplate in those moments. Instead I simply let the images flash. In one of them I saw a young girl. She wore a white suit of sorts with pink rain boots and a pink hooded cape over the clothes. Her light purple hair was a short-bob, the longer pieces of her hair framing her pale face and her eyes...

The iris of her eyes were pink while the rest of her eyes, the part that should have been white, was a crimson red. Those eyes would be disturbing to most, but to me those eyes held all the answers, held the way towards paradise...

I breathed out the name, irrational joy filling my heart. For a moment I thought I had to be going insane. Entering C.C.'s mind earlier must have wiped out all rational sense in mine. No, better yet, C.C. herself must have driven me insane. After all, with her fetish for pizza and spending my money on box after box of the stuff while narrowly revealing my hidden identity on a daily basis, insanity is a given.

Besides that though, C.C. is cynical, snarky, and an immortal witch, incapable of the kindness shown by the girl I saw in these visions.

Blinking I stared back at the woman as the corners of her mouth lifted. Her voice was light and soft as she spoke, eerily similar to the girl of a distant past.

"Finally, you called me, by my real name..."

When she spoke those words, I knew there was no denying it, though I kept trying through the slow minutes before C.C. awakened. Though C.C. and Cheza's personalities are radically different, they both hold a similar meaning to me. In that distant past, Cheza was my everything, my hope for a future beyond the life I knew. She was my path to paradise. In the present, C.C. is a thorn in my side but at the beginning of this journey she also gave me hope by giving me my Geass power. The power she gave me reinforced my hatred for Britannia and all it stands for, propelling me forward in a quest for vengeance and a gentler world. In either case, a mysterious girl guides me down a path. This time it just happens to be a path of blood. That should make no difference since the goal is the same.

However, these memories or hallucinations come with emotional conflictions, mental obstacles pile up before me, and morals I abandoned for this purpose start rushing back.

I make sure to keep this hidden from C.C. when she awakened, only revealing that I knew her name and that I thought it was a good one, that it sounded more human than the name she went by. My words upset her. The last thing she wants is to be more human, mainly because she can't remember her past as a human.

Though she only shed one tear, it took everything I had not to rush to her side and wrap my arms around her. I don't have feelings for C.C. nor am I attracted to her sexually, but the instinct to comfort her rises in me because of who I was back then.

She won't remember and I don't intend to tell her anything about those times.

Neither one of us were human then.

Earlier that day, before the battle transpired, she asked me why snow was white. When I didn't answer, she told me it was because it had forgotten what color its supposed to be.

The statement didn't make sense to me then, nor did it make sense when Kallen arrived an hour later. With the red-headed woman there I told C.C. that I didn't know why snow was white but that I still believed snow was beautiful.

However, now, thinking about it as the sun peeks through the black clouds outside my bedroom window, I understand the meaning behind her words. She was using snow as a metaphor. It was her way of telling me that she didn't belong in this world, that her past and mine were just two ways to document and describe the endless passage of time and nothing more.

If her words are the truth, then I'd rather believe in the lie. My destiny in the past and in my present has always been to lead the world into the future, to paradise. Even so, this time will be different from back then.

I remember my friends, my comrades, Tsume, Higie, and Toboe. I remember being able to trust all of them without a shadow of a doubt, even when Higie betrayed all of us. I understood that it was not his intention to do so. He was just a pawn in someone elses game.

I suppose we all were.

As the memories continue to return little by little, I see that who I'm becoming is also radically different from who I used to be. Though never naïve, I was idealistic, endlessly searching without worrying for tomorrow. There was no time for fear then, because fear was something that only held me back in those times.

Now, fear is the reason that I fight. Fear is what allows me to keep fighting. Fear for my sister, her livelihood, and what the future will bring if I don't eradicate Britannia's ruthless system. I'm not idealistic, but a realist. I realize that the only way to bring about the future I want is to make it happen myself. Idealism is more on Suzaku's level at this point. Truthfully he's more like him, more like Kiba.

Logically speaking, I'm certain that these so-called memories aren't real, that they hold absolutely no meaning. Even so, logic hardly matters in this. Deep inside I know if these events truly happened...then I used to be a wolf named Kiba. He was chosen to lead the wolves into paradise.

I'm not sure what this means for the world I live in now. It certainly isn't the paradise Kiba dreamt of. Still, could that mean that the people that walk about in the city are all descendants of wolves? Could Tsume, Higie, and Toboe all be out there, living out separate lives without any memory of their pasts like I did?

The answers to these questions aren't ones I necessarily need to find. However...

* * *

(One week later)

The questions still haunt me.

My life has been thrown into a tailspin in the last week. After revealing my identity to Taizo Kirihara (an old man who was once a caretaker for Nunnally and me) within the secret base of the Six Houses of Kyoto, I was confronted with something that shook my entire belief system to the core.

If the memories of a different life weren't already enough to send my moral state reeling, hearing Shirley's revelation that Zero had killed her father was like being smashed by a wrecking ball.

She spoke so many words, but I hardly registered any of them, not until she begged me to help her. She had no clue that I was the reason she had to mourn her father at all.

Her hands had tightened on the front of my shirt as she stood on tiptoe, her lips pressing against mine before I could formulate any thoughts. My body reacted without my consent and I returned her embrace. My black heart sank to my stomach as the kiss continued. I felt like I was taking advantage of her pain for my benefit.

I wish I could have said that everything would be okay, that I wouldn't leave her side, that I reciprocated the feelings she'd had for me for so long.

However, to say any of those things would have been no better than telling her straight out that I had killed her father because all of those things I wanted to tell her were nothing but lies.

Always lies...

Sitting in my room again, staring out that same window as the rain falls, I reflect on those strange memories again. Kiba never lied. He was straightforward, compassionate, somewhat idiotic in his approach to situations, but he was compelling enough to lead a group of headstrong wolves, especially when it came to Tsume. Seriously, that guy was as stubborn as they came.

In any case, Kiba was the kind of person everyone could look up to for answers. His moral stability was one of the reasons why he earned their trust and respect. Kiba didn't need Geass to compel them to obey him. He didn't even order them around, always stating that no one wolf was more important than the other in the pack despite it being designated that he was the leader. Kiba didn't have to lie or scheme. He was just himself and that alone produced results.

I hide behind the mask of Zero. I trust no one and while others may place some form of trust in me, it's only because I produce positive results for them. It has nothing to do with who I am because they don't know.

It's becoming increasingly difficult to believe that Kiba and I were ever the same person.

* * *

(That night)

Kallen Kozuki...she reminds me of Blue.

She has the same blue eyes, same fiery temper, and the same guilt striken expression Blue always used to sport.

"I thought the goal was justice," she stated, her gaze far away from me, trying not to look because I'm not wearing Zero's garb. Instead I'm clad only in the pants of some scuba gear and a towel over my head to shield my face from view. Minutes earlier I had finished planting a bomb on a JLF ship, specifically a device made with sakuradite from the Fuji mines.

The reason for this plan of action is to motivate my knights to fight with everything they have tonight. It'll be easy to convince them that the Britannian's are to blame.

Unfortunately, Kallen needs another type of motivation.

"The only reason I've fought until now is because I thought it was the right thing to do, so I could live with the killing. But now…"

She asks me if what we're doing will really change the world for the better. If I were to be honest with her I'd tell her that I'm not sure, but honesty is not my policy. I'm not Kiba.

"Yes, it will," I told her, turning my face away "Or, rather, it must change the world."

"But…"

"Will there be sacrifices?" I cut in. "Not only just soldiers, but the innocent as well, and yet we've no choice but to continue. No matter the cost, even if people see us as cowards, we have to prevail and move forward. If that means more blood will be shed, so be it. We've spilt so much to get here. We can't let it be in vain."

Kallen stood silent. I know there's uncertainty in her eyes without having to look. I don't want to look either because I know that what I'll see will just bring back more glimpses of a past that no longer matters.

Sighing I added. "But I won't force you Kallen. If you wish to turn back, now is the time."

Her answer wasn't a shock to me in the slightest.

"I've made my choice. I'll follow you to the very end."

Smirking I told her that I appreciated it, but inwardly I was laughing a little. Blue had said something similar to Hige before we all fought against Darcia. She died first and Hige followed right behind her.

It's too bad that I can't tell her I'm not Hige.

And I'm not Kiba either.

* * *

(A few days later)

Mao reminds me of Darcia, yet I'm the one acting like him.

"Mao think, you don't believe C.C. is her real name do you," I questioned, speaking only into a camera. Right now, the man can't hear me. He's in Clovisland, speaking with C.C., probably aiming to kill her. Still, I can predict what kind of response Mao will give, so he won't suspect that this is just a recording. He never resorts to cunning nor does he think that anyone else will because his Geass allows him to read minds. From there he can manipulate a person's thoughts into his twisted logic, confusing them until they have no choice but to do what he asks.

That's what he did to Shirley.

But I've already handled that situation. She'll be safe from the monster I've become.

My concern now lies with the immortal witch that turned me into a monster.

"She never even whispers it to anyone." I stated, pausing for a few seconds afterward for what will probably be Mao's stunned silent reaction before continuing, "But I know it though. She told me her true name."

Pausing again I allowed myself to drift into my thoughts for a moment. "_Cheza...same name but the personalities of the two people contrast to the extreme. C.C. is far more trouble for me than Cheza could have ever hoped to be, especially now that I know that C.C. can't be controlled by Geass._"

"You know why?" I asked the camera, smirking in a way that will drive Mao livid with rage once he sees this. "Because C.C. is mine. C.C. belongs to me in every possible way."

He'll yell after that statement, something along the lines of, "No! She doesn't, she doesn't, she doesn't." Not that it matters what he says, it's what I'm saying that's making me want to cringe, but the mask must be left on for now. My true feelings for these words cannot be made known to this psycho.

"I've gained every single thing from her. Including all the parts that you have never seen. All of them..." Inwardly I chuckled. "_That's right, not only do I know who she is now, but I know things about her that even she doesn't know. Mao, you have no hope of ever understanding this woman. You see, even in the past, she belonged to me._

Deep within something snarled at those words, something that sounded distinctly similar to a wolf. So, Kiba still lives within me then and he's the one who's disturbed by these words and thoughts, even though they are necessary to keep everything on track.

Of course, it's because of him that I felt any inclination to save C.C. at all. He sees Cheza, the one who will lead him to paradise and that blinds him to the truth, that the past is over now. We can never go back and his thoughts in my mind hold no place in the world I aim to change.

* * *

(Five days later)

And so, the betrayer has reveled himself.

"_Suzaku...why are you here? You're supposed to be with Nunnally._"

These memories of old are using everything around me to torture my soul. Havent' I been through enough, in both this life and the one I was in before? If there was one solid foundation I thought I could stand on, it would have been my friendship with Suzaku.

But now, seeing him seated within the Lancelot's cockpit, I know the truth.

"STAND DOWN!"

Tohdoh and the other members of the Four Holy Swords were about to wage a four-way encirclement around the Lancelot. If anyone else had been in the cockpit, I wouldn't have stopped them, but because Suzaku was inside, I had to put an end to the battle. I needed time to recollect myself from two separate realizations.

The first was that my best friend was fighting on the side of the man I hated most in this world which meant he wouldn't be able to protect my sister. When Mao kidnapped Nunnally, Suzaku was there by my side to help me save her. In all honestly, I couldn't have saved Nunnally and defeated Mao all on my own. In that kind of situation, Suzaku was the only person I could trust.

Earlier, I tried asking if he would protect Nunnally in case anything ever happened to me for any reason. I'm sure his answer would have been yes. I'm also fairly certain he wouldn't have questioned my reasoning...even if he did, I'm sure his questions would have only brushed the surface given what occured only two days before.

However, I learned something about Suzaku just before I ordered Mao to never speak again.

At the age of ten, Suzaku Kururugi murdered his father, Genbu Kururugi: the former Prime Minister of Japan.

That should have tipped me off to what was to come next. The idealistic wolf deep inside clouded my judgement, hindering my ability to put two and two together.

Suzaku was Hige in the sense that he was a good person at heart but a betrayer. Suzaku had betrayed his country by killing his father, causing the false peace that surrounded Japan before Zero came on the scene. That was the second realization I came to before demanding that all the Black Knights withdraw from the battlefield. Lady Luck was on my side because seconds after I shouted the words, Britannian reinforcements came into view.

While fleeing the scene I inwardly seethed in rage. These feelings didn't stem from Kiba. No, he felt differently about this situation. He hated the fact that his friend had betrayed him, but he understood the reasoning behind it and he didn't want to kill him based on that fact. Kiba feels that what I'm doing is wrong.

I on the other hand, didn't understand. I didn't want to understand. Suzaku doesn't know that I'm Zero, but so what? He knows how I feel about my father and knows enough about my past to realize my hatred for Britannia. He knows the extent of my fears regarding Nunnally and her future once my time at Ashford comes to an end. He knows and understands all this and yet he's chosen to fight on their side and against me. He's the main obstacle in my way for creating a gentler world, a paradise for Nunnally and I to live in.

Kiba feels that what I'm doing is wrong. He doesn't believe paradise can be achieved by staining the path in blood. He thinks I'll find Hell before I find paradise.

But what of this world that we all live in now? People live in fear of the Britannian government. Innocent lives have been taken, others ruined by the ruthlessness instigated by te Emperor. Suffering is a daily occurence for those who don't have the power to protect themselves.

My mother is dead, my sister is blind and crippled, and my best friend has betrayed me.

This world is Hell in my eyes.

Suzaku is in the way, but even the monster I've become doesn't wish to kill him. I still want to bring him over to my side because at one time he stood by my side. Even after betraying everyone, Hige chose to stand by our pack and we all died...fighting for paradise.

Chuckles begin to spill from my lips as memories and the irony of the current situation overwhelms me. In the past, Hige was almost always on Kiba's side. In the present, Suzaku and I...even though we call ourselves the best of friends, the truth is that we've been at each others throats from the moment Zero appeared. Our ideals are radically different now. Suzaku and I have changed, evolved from our wolf counterparts...if they ever truly existed at all.

In the end, I'm not sure what to do. That's why I continue to laugh at the situation. I'm certain that this will be the last opportunity I'll have to laugh.

There's nothing but pain ahead.

* * *

A/N: Originally I planned on this being a long one-shot, but due to the nature of this story and the randomness of it, I think I'll make it into a three-shot drabble that pretty much goes through the length of the Code Geass series. The main reason for this craziness coming to be has to do with the fact that Kiba and Lelouch share the same English voice actor. It's more a perspective piece than anything else because I saw that there were a lot of similarities between Lelouch and Kiba as far as their goals, but they are radically different when it comes to their morals and general philosophy on how to achieve those goals. That's basically what this story is about. A character experiencing the feelings of another character with the same goal...or something along those lines. So, in any case, we've got two more chapters to go. Stay tuned. If you enjoyed reading the randomness, feel free to leave a review for me. Constructive criticism is welcome.


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